Can I keep him?

He stayed a month in the NICU. I was with him as much as they let me be. Every night I'd drive home and sleep for a few hours. Leaving the hospital empty handed is a mindfuck. I used to wake up in the morning, unsure of what had happened. Did I have a baby? Was he ok or did he die? Did I kill him by not being strong enough?

When he was 29 days old, they set us up in a private room. With discharge imminent, they let me unhook him from all the crap and just hold my baby. I laid him down on the bed and unwrapped his blanket so I could see him.

You know how, right after birth, everyone gives the baby a once-over and sort of counts toes or whatever? I just never got a chance to see him without wires and tubes coming out of everywhere. He was so tiny and beautiful...little pink toes and curled fists. And hair. Lots of hair. The boy is a wolfman;-)

I wish he'd only been in the hospital for a day or so. I wish we had normal birth with nobody almost dying or anything. I wish the OB didn't have to butcher me to get him out. I am still pissed that we had to go through that. I know things could have been worse, but still...IT SUCKS! I HATE IT! I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE IT!( repeatedly stomps foot and shakes fist at heavens. )

This goes into the 60's era leather satchel I carried when he was born. It will protect it in case I need to take it out again.